Prita

What he said:

u are really a funny woman

I want love and wife

some one to love and care

for better and for worst to love each other always

u make me laugh

I just want us to flow and get along, cos i need u in my life

my feelings for u is growing and feelings goes with love

What I said:

Even when u found me wearing a clown costume with a red nose?

I don’t know whether I’m in love or not now. I’m still amazed, someone could actually dare to make a plan about his life with me. The last person whom had the guts to do that was Nov.

And he even chose the names for  our kids. I love a guy with a plan. I spent my entire life making plan for my family and my parents, that’s why, I find a man who’s planning his life with me is irresistible.

Uuuhhh … scary. I don’t think this is love yet, because I don’t feel the rush. If it is .. is this what 30s women feel when they’re in love now?

I think the right word would be … I’m numb.

After meeting that clueless-no-personality guy who doesn’t know what he wants even that he’s a 40-something .. how could you expect to know what love or relationship is?

I’m so ready to grow old with my cat Lui. ;).

Until this guy came along.

Can I still stay in love with my ex if i’m dating this guy?

Finally, after fighting over and over with my mum to get a pet, last week my mum allowed me to adopt a cat. It’s still a kitten now. Our neighbour’s cat just laboured 3 beautiful black and white kittens. And my mum had asked the lady to adopt one of those 3.

I’m so excited. I was thinking to named the kitten with Glue or Kuru, but then my mum gave me an idea by saying, “Why not Cowie? The kitten is black and white. Like a cow. I think it’s suitable”.

Hmmm … it sounds funny as well.

Cowie.

I’ll upload Cowie’s picture once s/he arrived at our house.

Yippie. I will have a cat.

“Hey, do you think I’m uptight when we’re together? Do you think being with me feels like … in a school with too many rules?”

I asked that to him. Not Sean. It’s the other ex dates. :). The much older guy that I once dated few years back. And he said, “Well depends. I feel like I can’t really loosen up when we’re talking about animal rights, or … global warming, or politics, and the fact that I’m an omnivore. I mean, you should work for Greenpeace or PETA. Ever thought to apply?”

“No no no … seriously. How about when I said that I don’t like when you talked in Indonesian? Do you think I’m uptight because of that? Do you think talking with me involving lots of rules?”

“OH THAT!!! I didn’t see that coming. Yeah, I hate that as well. I mean … what’s wrong if i want to talk in Bahasa? yeah … that. So who said that talking with you involving too many rules?”

“It’s just an opinion”

“No. It sounds like a rule”

Argh. Should change this. Should count to 10 … when I heard a foreigner talks 1 word of Bahasa. Or … leave the room. So then I won’t say anything.

Or

Maybe I could just listen to them. Might be charming. Or sexy.

Hmmm … the only foreigner I like when he talked in Bahasa is only my boss Richard.

Dear Re,

I watched the movie. And you were right. I’m Susannah.

But I’m a person with hopes and dreams. Hopes and dreams never grow old. They can’t die naturally. They die in vain. When I know that my hopes and dreams did not really get along with you, I altered them into something else. Some ends with what I had with Sean. And some grows into what I have now.

I’ve tried to cope with them several times. But there’s a time when I wanted it all just stop. Keeping an open wound is not really my options. It’s a dirty job, but somebody has to do it.

And I go on with my life.

I keep saying, “we’re just friends”. But I remember you said friends come and go. And we could never be that. We’re different. At first, I don’t want you to go. But then you fell in love with someone else and you left me. Again.

You said, I’m a strange-funny-mentally-unstable-and-a-bit-crazy woman. That I’m like a chameleon. Always changing. There’s always something about me that you’ve never had enough. That I have millions of faces. You were almost there in all of my ups and downs, but even after you had experienced it twice, you could never do anything right to handle it. I developed faster than those ice melts in the north pole.

What if I end up like Susannah?

I still sometimes dream about us. And whenever it happens, I cried again like that night. Like last night. Like now … writing this in tears …

I don’t know when my forever will end. But I know that I don’t want to be like Susannah. Nevertheless, I feel like which ever I’m going it somehow leads to how Susannah died. It seems easier to put that gun in my forehead and pull the trigger.

“I’ll wait for you. However long it takes. I’ll wait for you forever”

Even after all of those words, I’m losing you still.

I don’t wanna die in vain. I killed our hopes and dreams.

I have nowhere to send this letter and no reason to believe you wish to receive it. I write it only for myself. And so I will hide it away along with all the things left unsaid and undone between us.

P.S. : I quoted a lot from the movie’s line. Was it our life based on the movie or the other way around?

Nobody actually wants to be a liar. But it’s just so easy to fudge, blur, omit, and recast information—on even everyday matters—for effect or self-protection.

Accept, and vow to change.

When you fall off wagon and the moment has passed, at least be honest with your self, as in “I didn’t do that right. When I’m in that situation again, I’m going to do better.” All of which may be easier to achieve if the accent is on SIMPLY DOING WHAT’S RIGHT instead of going by the book. When you’re rule-bound, you’re more likely to slip if you’re not likely to be caught. You’re honest when you do the right thing even when nobody is looking.

>>> I got this from Reader’s Digest article about how we should have real honesty in our daily life. And I love the words. I kind of lost my self lately and lying to my self a lot.

When I crossed the threshold of being a friend with someone … I should’ve realized that I can’t go back to square one and started the whole relationship as a friend again. After … all of that.

It’s too tiring. I do not want to be with someone who was having second thoughts about me while I was determined to know him more in order to go to a higher level of what we have. Now I feel stuck. And somehow not developing.

It’s going to be ugly, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

Please forgive me when I was not being my self.

I’m clueless, I don’t know what to do.

I’m tired with the attitude

I’m tired with the sweet talk

I’m tired with the promises

I’m sick with the fake smile

I have had it with the lies

I’m tired with the meaningless chat that was attempted just so then we could have something to talk about. And at the end I would go, “What the hell am I doing with this faker?”

I’m so sick of it

Aren’t you tired to deal with a guy who doesn’t even know what he wants?

I’m stucked between giving my self a second chance and got tricked again for the bezillion of time. I just don’t understand what kind of person he takes me for by thinking that what we have is just something in between.

I’m so dumb. To think that a guy who is so not my preferences would actually treated me nice.

I wish I had never met him.

Aah, I miss my ex boy friends.

They were great when they were mine. They asked me first if they can give a good night kiss. They held my hand when I was scared. They introduced me to the parents. They hold me in their arms whenever I need a support. We spent hours just looking up the sky and talking about how wonderful our house would be if we get married. They kissed my nose. And my forehead. I love those kisses more than the ones that landed on my lips.

Why can’t that kind of guy more massively produced? I don’t want a relationship with some random guy, I think I just want all my ex-boyfriends back. People were right when they said that sometimes we appreciate something or someone more when they’re gone.

I’m tired with guys nowadays.

Bragging bragging. Sex sex sex. No identity. One night stands mode. They chose partners than spouses. Exchange partners whenever they move from a country, a house, a club, a … wherever. Saying “I want to be with you Prita” and crossing his fingers behind his back. Saying “A” but doing “B”. Saying “I want to be with you forever” but never ask me how I have been.

Oh God bless them.

I’ve rather being single ’till I die than changing partners and hurting others like that.

I’m a lousy dater. Due to lack of reading men’s signal in dating and my networking with them, I admit … I’m an undateable material.

And here’s why :

1. I’m not good at mingling or socializing or chitchatting or small talk … in Indonesian would be : ‘BASA BASI”.

Enough said. If you were in a party and you saw a gal dressed nothing like Carrie Bradshaw, a bit awkward, no acquaintances around her, and looking nervous, that must be me. And the main reason why I’m not good at chitchatting is … I just really don’t know what to say. I have a friend whom can immediately connecting and hang out with a person he met at the train station or the grocery store also  whom can talk with a completely stranger for hours just because my friend found that this person wore something that is similar with him. That won’t happen with me.  That’s why losing my 10-year together best friends whom know me so well about this kind of thing will be a catastrophe for me. Because then, there will be no one else to talk to with me.

2. I’m introvert.

Like point 1, I’m not good at talking. Which was horrible. One of my friends whom got married says, “I love relationships. To have someone to share our life with and listening your loved one’s stories in a way you couldn’t even share it with your best friend or your family member. It is amazing”.

Paused.

Well for me … was like, “I’m good at listening but doing the reverse … … wow, I couldn’t do that”. Even my 3 best friends do not know half of what I’ve been through in my life.

3. Lack of mysteries isn’t good. Too many mysteries? the same …

When you’re on a date you don’t reveal your self in the whole all at once. You would like to give your date a Pandora box one by one … In my opinion that’s what makes your date worth dating for. A mystery a bit. Leave a cue or a missing puzzle after each date (you can do this if your first date is succeeded). Dating someone whom talking too much is such a turn-off.

And how about Prita? I don’t give Pandora Boxes. Most of my dates leave me after 1 or 2 months together in the past 3 years. Why? One of my exes once answered with, “You have too many mysteries. I can’t compete with that”.

And I was laughing out loud when he said that. I don’t mind. We’re just not meant to be with a funny comment on the side … and we’re friends until now.

Sharing infos about my self is not really something I’m good at. I don’t even know how to start. I often used jokes as defense mechanisms. So then he won’t ask, “So Prita … How about you? Who is Prita?”

“I’m Prita. Eat chicken and fish only but I love animals, I alligned things, I can’t stand water rings, an acrophobia, afraid with snakes and quick sands, and I folded the tissue rolls back into a triangle every time I came out from a Public Toilet”

See? I’m screwed. *LOL*

So … I guess my first boy friend was insane or both of us were. It was only with him I had the longest relationship with. For 10 months. Geez … I can’t even stand for a year.

4. I’ve been single for a long time.

Friends will say, “She’s been single long ever since I’ve known her for a reason”. And like a job resume you will be noticed as a senior in teaching when you’ve had spent maybe 10 or 15 years as a teacher. So … I think I’ve mastered in singleism.

Summary:

James, my friend said that I’m a freak and quirky. And he said maybe I should stopped being like that for a change. But for me being a freak is fun, so I don’t really know what the solution is. Though I don’t perceived my self as quirky.

Beberapa minggu yang lalu, gue ketemu dengan temen lama SMA yang udah beranak 3. :). Seneng deh … Lalu pada saat dia menyadari kalo gue belanja sendirian di Carrefour Mal Ambassador itu, keluar omongan deh, “Kamu kebanyakan milih sih. Cap cip cup aja kenapa sih? Di dunia nggak ada yang sempurna, honey”.

Terus terang, gue udah kebal ama omongan itu. *nyengir setan*. Gue cuman ngomong balik ke dia, “Yah nanti juga ada …”.

Ini gue ketemu sama temen SMA yang udah 10 tahun nggak ketemu lho cing. Jadi gue cukup tau dan males argue.

Dan … dia bales balik ke gue dengan, “Kapan adanya? Orang elo juga sibuk maen ama single2 ama kerja aja sih … Mana bisa prospek buat kewong??”
… benci deh gue, cewek 30an yang ngomongnya sama kayak nenek2 60an.

Senyum aja gue. Senyum basa basi. Walopun .. gue paling nggak ahli basa basi. Sebenernya gue pengen ngomong balik, tapi … nggak jadi. Abis, pas gue menoleh untuk diperkenalkan suaminya dan ngeliat suaminya … hmmm … gue bersyukur gue nggak asal ngomong soal memilih pasangan dengan cara ‘Cap cip cup’. Kalo gue dapet duit 1000 tiap denger orang ngomong metode cap cip cup dalam milih pasangan … gue udah kaya.

Dan dia bisa lho ngehubungin ke-single-an gue dengan ngomentarin masa lalu gue ama dia. “Aduh elo … jangan2 gara si Jerman itu ye loe allergy ama pacaran? Masih mentok aja loe ama dia? Halooo 2009, cing”

Hmmm … gue again senyum basa basi. Menurut gue, ini cuman urusan gue sama Noval.

Dan kalo gue mau membela diri, pembelaan gue adalah … gue nggakmentok sama Noval. Hanya karena gue emang in-love berat dan breaking up devastatedly with him gue nggak mentok sama dia. Kalo gue mentok, mana mau gue pergi sama cowok yang tiba2 brenti nemuin gue hanya karena gue nggak makan daging dan kalo mau pergi mesti di-plan?

Gue udah moved on. Bayu buktinya. Tapi … ternyata emang kadang ada aja kan hal yang nggak working out. Dan sorry nih … gue nggak pernah merasa berhenti untuk terus sama Bayu karena Bayu nggak kayak Noval. But simply because Bayu does not fond the fact that I dont eat lamb. So Bayu chose to not go out with me anymore. And that’s fine. Orang punya preferences. Seperti gue yang nggak mau jalan ama cowok rambutnya spike. …

Think before you talk, then you might not talk.