Prita

I got several. I got hurt. Badly then. Not so much now.
I was 4, when I saw how domestic violence can make a family fall apart.
Then it continues with abuses to me.
I was 6, when first time happened to me.
Then happen again when I was 12.
Happen again when I was 18.
Happen again when I was 20.
And the last I can remember it happened again when I was 22.
Why I can’t forget??? Because the first one happened in the first 5 years of my life. Got beaten up physically ‘till it was hard for me to open my eyes.
Got beaten up physically ‘till I’m out of foundation and concealer to cover my face’s bruises. Got beaten up emotionally ‘till I lost my self.
Ashamed. Worthless. I want to run away.
Then I met him. Friends. Dating. Official.
Great getaways. Great conversation (when he’s not on drugs). Great lusty
moments. Great friends too. I made such a great friendship with those drug
dealers and users back then. Too bad, some of them either dead or in jail now. Some of them are really cool to hang out with when they’re not high. May you rest in peace, guys. There there … 1 reason again why I don’t have so many friends.

Once, I have a thought of eloping with my junkie boyfriend. He was like me.
A product of domestic violence family. Hhmm, I kind of miss him now actually.
I miss the fact that we could really connect talking about … that pain.

The domestic-violence-scenes pain. The child-abuses pain. I guess that’s why we were together. We even trade some tips and tricks on how to avoid a punch or a kick. And it’s ironic when the punches and kicks came from people who lived under the same roof with you. Ald and I used to laugh each other out talking about this. The 2^nd ironic thing, Ald never punched me or kicked me. In our 2 years of dating, all I can remember about him was how good his lips were in mine and how bad we were in controlling our lust every time we’re both in a fitting room of a Levi’s store. Despite his Junkie attitude. ;).

Besides dying, stupid rendezvous is surely one of a phase where life is so worth living.
So, when I experienced it my self how bad it was to see domestic violence and how bad child abuse can affect a child personality, I promised my self to be a person that will not use a hand tone or saying negative words that will hurt other people for any reason what so ever. Of course it’s different with cynicism, huh? ;).

And regard that emotionally abuse could actually make a person become an inferior or stronger, I’m definitely not the first one.

I choose. I choose to be strong. And it’s a developing part of my life that I enjoy so much. And I know I still have a lot to learn to be strong.
I’m not being stronger, day by day.
I choose to be stronger … by seconds.
Hand tones are bad …
Negative words are same difference.
They both can hurt people. How deep it is, that depends on how you see it.
It’s not about the strength that I don’t cry anymore if I heard sad news.

Or the strength that I can manage my own way even though I’m stranded in a deserted island like that guy Tom Hanks in a movie where all my ex lovers hated it because they think that movie was so tiring and there was no naked babe!!
I have strength of my faith. I’ve seen acts of aggressions in my house …
a lot. But I don’t see any good reason for me to fulfil the role as a brat product of a broken home. It’s too cliché. It’s too predictable. It’s definitely too easy.
The home can be broken, but it doesn’t have to be labelled as a place where all negative things will always came from there. Take a lesson. Determined your goal. Focus on positive things. Powered your willing.
Love the one you’re with. Deal with it. Never give up.

I have the willing to do the unimaginable.
I choose to be gold. I want to be gold.

And true gold isn’t afraid of fire.

Batagor Kingsley, checked.

Siomay, checked.

Strawberry juice, checked.

Es Oyen, checked.

Yamin, checked.

Yoghurt BMC Paris Van Java, checked.

Makan malem enak dan pas cuaca keren di outdoor resto,
checked.

Nonton di Blitz, checked.

Beli jaket keren di distro hrg ok, checked.

Denhaag Klapertaart, checked.

De Risoles Jl. Riau, checked.

Timbangan naek 1 kilo jadi 43 kilo … checked. :))))

Cowok2 keren, checked

Berenang, checked.

Grand Serela boutique hotel, checked. I am so going back to
stay there for my next Bandung trip…

Beli voucher htl 380, for a 700-price room. If I were a guy, gue pasti
udah nidurin banyak cewek di hotel itu *flirting emoticon*. Kurangnya cuman 1,
nggak ada kolam renang. Jadi gue berenang di Holiday Inn, ada temen gue yg
check-in disitu.

Ahhhhh, life is so wonderful.

…. ketawa gila ama cewek2, CHECKED!!!!

Bandung trip gue kali ini, so FUN!!!!!. PUASSSSS!!!

10 April 2008

Seharian kemarin, gue on-line aja di rumah.
Browsing, cek email, baca blog orang, baca log2 chatting. Dan pikiran
gue ke-distract waktu gue baca something on the net yang membuat gue harus
menghidupkan alarm friendship gue.

How I found bahwa selama ini temen2 yang
gue anggep temen, ah ternyata punya sisi lain yang nggak pernah gue lihat
sebelumnya.

Baca kebohongan. Yuck. Gue nggak tahan. Nggak sampe abis gue baca that thing on the net, gue udah ganti pagenya ama web page-nya NARS cosmetic and Fashionesedaily. Terus gue tidur. Bangun jam 11 karena Ibu gue nyuruh makan obat. Abis makan, thinking, menerawang, mungkin sedikit fly abis minum obat.

Lalu inget apa yang baru gue baca dinet about my friends, gue jadi thinking about him and her. Maybe they have bigger issues, seperti berat badan, takut miskin, atau takut nggak jadi orang yang paling menonjol di antara temen2nya, that’s why mereka berbohong pada diri mereka sendiri. Dan kalo mereka rela membohongi diri mereka sendiri, hell for sure of course they were also lying to me or you. Don’t have a “self” and don’t intend to find one. Just a big pretender. Tapi bohong 1 lama2 bisa sampe 2 juta kan? Dan they are my best buddies.

So, in my opinion that to be a good friend you should be someone who your friends needed you to be instead being someone who they wanted you to be.
Because if you were being someone they wanted, then all you had was just an illusion.

Stunned. Thinking about how sometimes best friend could be a devil in disguise. There is a section in my friendship alarm that is not on. Then I asked my mum, whether she has best friends that she could called them “home”, whether she had an experience where she had a friend that only pretend and what did she do? Did you leave them or they leave you?

She said, “Friends come and go. Eventually, the right one stay, bad one will sometimes stop by at the time when you least expected. Enjoy!”

Then I’m thinking that sometimes I need an impostor’s friend character once in a while in my circle of friends. So then I can realize that shit happens. So then I can differentiate the bad and the good. I just had to accept it as a part of my development as a human being. And make my filter more advanced.

Fulfilling the needs is much more important than fulfilling the wants. It’s not gambling. You do the math. Also you don’t want to make a fuss about your friends who are actually not that honest with you, truthfully it will be much better losing them than losing your self. Who wants to keep a pretender anyway?

Layaknya icon virus scan yang berkedip – kedip di pojok computer gue begging for updating, damn … this friendship virus scan needs one too. I’ve got to upgrade it.

Weekend ini kok capek banget ya? Sabtu kerja. Langsung pulang sih, tapi sampe rumah teler beratttttt … sebel deh. Tidur cepet. Jam 12.
Minggunya jam 10 udah keluar rumah. B’day sepupu. Ke Senci. Udah gila penuh banget. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiih. Tapi kok kalo pergi ama keluarga, gampang cari tempat parkir ya??? Kalo pergi ama Nanda atau Nadya, kayaknya gue sial mulu. Kalo nggak dapet parkir, kena macet berat, ato cuaca yg nggak mendukung entah panas banget ato ujan aja gitu. Jadi pas nyampe di G-spot buat hang out kok gue maunya tidur aje… apalagi kalo hang outnya di tempat yang ada sofa2. Hhhmmm… enakkkkk.
Makan di Takugawa Senci. Enak sih. Tapi penuh banget … ih kasian deh yg pada waiting list gitu. Sementara gue ama nyokap dan sepupu2 santai aje mesen2 biarpun main dish udah pada abis. Hihihi.
Terus muter2 cari kado buat keponakan gue yg akan ultah next week. Dapet deh … kereta2annya Thomas itu lho. Dia lagi suka itu. Punya buku ceritanya dan segala DVDnya gitu deh … kayak gue yg lagi ngefans ama cosmeticnya NARS and Lumiere … tiap hari browsing ngeliatin doang .. hiks … Mau cari Oom2 ah buat suruh beliin primernya NARS yg US$30 tuhhhhh…
Gue nggak ketemu org yang gue kenal sih *lega*. Sayangnya ketemu banyak orang yang salah kostum. Hiks … mengundangku untuk jadi bitchy. Komennnnn aje. Ada cewek … pake sepatu peeptoe gitu, slingback, heelsnya 7 cm. Dorong stroller…pake baju transparan warna biru aja gitu, BHnya item. Roknya dalam bentuk babydoll gitu diatas lutut. Dari pinggang ke sampe bates lututnya gelap seh, jadi kita nggak bisa liat celandi delinya but still, aduh drop ya nee ngeliatnya … terus males deh ngeliat pinggiran rok bawahnya yang benang jahitannya pada serabutan gitu … dan gue tahu banget dia nggak bergaya ala Harajuku, tapi cuman bener2 emang pake baju clumsy aja gituh tapi dipaksa dipake … Dalem otakku yang bitchy ini, aku teriak… HELLOOOWWW!!!

Make up ok lho padahal … rambut ok bener di roll ke dalem ombak2 gimana gitu terus rambut poni disasak naik … bagian samping dijepit. Sumpeh ok … tapi nggak banget liat atasannya yang tranparan … aduh neee… kayak jualan. sumpah. Ada bayi pula di dalem stroller … jadi penasaran, kawinin sape tu cewek … bisa bawa kantongnye salvatore ama bvlgari segede bagong tapi dandannye kayak ayam OKB …punya anak pula … kemana bapaknye yaaa …

*sambil mengibaskan rambut*

BFF hangout, checked. Tadinya gue pikir gue akan cuman anterin Nca aja ke Gramedia kbn jeruk karena ada diskon, eh tapi ternyata ada juga yang kebeli ama gue hihihi. On my way to Gramedia, gue ama Nca discussed about that guy. That guy yg ama gue pas gue in High School yang udah sekitar 9 tahunan deh nggak ketemu dan sekarang ketemu lagi lewat net.
Now he’s a celebrity blogger!!! And I’m so proud of him.
Gue jadi reminiscing that all of my exes or at least guys yang pernah intimate seriously with me dengan catatan ngedate melebihi dari 3 bulan, and meet my parents, end upnya jadi cowok yang … BETTER!!!. Ald, udah nikah punya store. And, udah nikah dan masuk pertamina. Al, udah nikah punya anak and the last time I was talking with him he said nice things about what we had … oooohhhh. Nov, well, ibarat anak kesayangan gue … I’m so proud of him … he’s married, and he has a job. ;)..
Mengingat itu semua ngebuat gue .. hhmmm kayak ada perasaan lega, nyaman, soothing, ah pokoknya gue seneng karena semua my exes jadi cowok yang much2 better!
Then .. jreng jreng … Nca came with a sentence, “I think you’re a good luck charm … you know like in that movie Good Luck Chuck” terus dia diem bentar and then … “Oh MY GOD YOU’RE A GOOD LUCK, PRITA!!!!”

Muka gue langsung bego, “HA?”. Gue bukan takut kalo gue nggak akan nikah. Dan gue bukan takut bahwa berarti gue nggak akan punya relationship yang saksesssss ya boo hingga ke … situlah pokoknya (sedikit anti kata married akhir2 ini … hihihi. Tau Napah). Also gue juga bukannya takut bahwa gue akan mati sendiri, tanpa hubby, anak, atau grandchildren … No no no no no bukan itu.
Tapi kalo loe nonton tu film “Good Luck Chuck”, GILA … TU JESSICA ALBA KAN CLUMSYNYA SETENGAH METONG. Lagi jalan bisa nyenggol vas bunga, jatoh, kejeduk … Apa nggak bikin gue jantungan? *sigh, terus pengsasn*

It’s a curse isn’t it?

Lagu Dia-nya Maliq effectnya dahsyat ……..!!!! Hehehehe … pas nulis lagi dengerin lagu itu. Hampir aja mau melakukan SLI. Hahaha. Suka kebawa nih gue.
Gue klepek2 ama liriknya yang bilang … “Dia melihatku apa adanya, seakanku sempurna”.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Udah gila!. Pinter banget Maliq kalo nulis lagu. Dari dulu sebenernya suka Maliq, tapi baru kali ini bener2 swept away ama lagu mereka. Falling in love menyenangkan. Terus sambil dengerin lagi Dia ini .. huhuhu … I’m in heaven!!!!

Hihihihi …

I just saw this guy profile that I used to know slash date. He’s chubby. I think at least he’s 180 pounds. Does not look cute at all. Older than all of my exes. A loser. My mum didn’t like him at all. And … Oh God, kalo gue inget bagaimana dia ngomong tinggi about money and things and how dia ngoceh about healthy life … I feel nauseous. Hueeekkkk … Gendut gitu, bilang ke gym seminggu 3 kali. Udah 3 taun lagi. Ke gym ngapain? Ngecengin “ayam” ama “kucing”??? Ato tante2 kesepian? Gila.

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!!!!!

So people… before you make sure lingkaran pinggul loe, your cheek, and your
hair ideal buat difoto untuk di-upload ke Profile Friendster loe karena loe ngocehnya tinggi about how narcis you are with your body and how you think you’re an expert in gym thingy … you better starting throwing those fat first. Believe me you do not wanna got caught up with your ex-date/ex-lover/ex-fling/ex-accidentally-sleeping-buddies with that fat body yang akan ngebuat elo look ridiculously NOT ATTRACTIVE. It’s for your own sake for crying out loud!!!!!!

HIPS DON’T LIE, … A MOUTH DOES.

P.S : Jadi inget, pernah gue lagi nge-date gitu, then when things heated up and we’re planning on smooching, I grabbed his ass and… OH SHIT, That thing just flapped off. And HE SAID HE WENT TO THE GYM????? WHAT KIND of GYM ACTIVITY WAS THAT???

Temen kantor suatu siang nanya ama gue,
“Pernah LDR-an?”.

Hmmm muka menerawang. Pikiran melayang. Tapi
hati tenang (apa seh?). LDR mengingatkan gue akan hal yang soothing. Titik balik hidup gue
yang paling gue sukai. Disamping titik balik dari kaya menjadi miskin, banyak
teman menjadi hilang teman karena miskin, masa dimana kalo pergi ke tempat umum sama bokap ada aja yang negur lalu menjadi orang “biasa” (yang bisa jadi teroris kalo mau, saking nggak ada yang kenal keluarga gue lagi), dan titik balik … daddy’s little girl menjadi what I am now. ;).

LDR menjadi titik balik gue …

Dari mendapatkan diri gue yang berada di tempat terang benderang  sepertinya semua make sense and clear terus tersesat, berada di tempat gelap, nggak tahu mau kemana.

Dari tempat dimana gue bisa berdiri dengan penuh percaya diri dan berlari secepat apapun gue mau dan kemanapun gue mau, lalu berbalik menjadi… fall to a well with no bottom. Just keep falling. Gue kerap menunggu kapan gue sampai di dasar jurang itu. Menunggu gue bisa mendengar suara kepala gue yang akan pecah dengan percikan isinya keluar saat menghantam the bottom of the well… at least saat itu gue tahu, I’m dead and (hopefully) I’m so over.
I’ll be in my next life, whatever that is. Not with him, tapi sama Tuhan.

1-1nya yang gue pegang teguh dalam hidup gue.
1-1nya yang tahu semua curhatan gue.
1-1nya yang tahu my darkest secret. Kalo my 3 bestfriends cuman tahu 10% dari siapa gue, well cuman Tuhan yang tahu siapa gue 1 million %.

I’m not good in talking for curhat stuffs. Like what my mum said, A DAMN CLOSED BOOK. But I assure you, I’m good at listening.

Sekarang kehilangan macam apapun yang gue alami, gue bisa hadapi setelah LDR gue itu. Cause like you know, I’m not dead yet. Pretty much alive.
And absolutely 100 times better than I was before.

It has sharpen my instinct, making me feel better about my self more, more confidence, more healthy since I stopped eating meat besides fish & chicken, and my relationship level with family, friends, and co-worker is developing.

Most importantly I’m still kicking ass. Still with the people that matter. And still believe in what people so-called love. Udah pernah jatuh cintrong … termehek - mehek berat. Setengah metong. Lost it. And I’m sooo ready for more. ;).

This morning, driving to the office with my
mum, suddenly my mum reminded me to spend more time with my nieces instead of working on the weekend. Then she said, about the possibilities that one of my nieces could be someone that would be able to take care of me when I’m old.

She said, “You know considering your age
and … how you made all the guys running away from you. Marriage is not for you, I guess. And don’t worry about that. I think you inherited it from our
predecessor. We have a few members of family that lived alone until they’re old
and then they die”. She smiled devilishly.

I just nodding along and replied it with,
“How could you be so sure I would die old? I could die today, and you might not
ready for it mum. Oops, correction. I guess no one will. But death is definitely a certain thing, right? You can not escape from it”.

Then she said, “KAMU!!!
TAKE it BACK!!!”.

I said, “Ok. I take it back. But I was right about death is a certain thing and that being not-married is quite spectacular if you see it in a different perspective, Mum. Besides I’m so grateful for my life”

“Ok. But 1 question, different perspective from where? Donkey’s butt or horse’s ass?”

She’s pissed. NOW, I SMILED devilishly.;)
My mum, ladies & gentlemen.

Some people married for a green card. Me? I
think I would get married for a black Amex Centurion card. And there’s nothing
wrong about that. *wink*.

3 certain things in life?
DEATH, TAXES, and the fondness of guys for free porn.

Isn’t life wonderful?