Prita

A : Do you have “when we both 40″ agreement?

B : You mean, do I have a guy to make that kind of agreement with?

A : *nodding*

B : No …

A : Maybe you should. I mean, I’m going to be 32 this December and not available for you since I’m married and you will be 31 in January. I think you should make that kind of pact.

B : WHY? I told u millions of time, I have no problem living by my self ’till the day I die… *cynical smile*

A : I know, you’re okay with it. But I don’t. And I’m your friend. And I used to hang out with you.  So, I don’t want you to live by your self by the end of time. Anddd I love you. When you love someone, you want him or her to be happy. And believe me, I saw what you looked like when you told me about him. And I want you to be like that again. This time, I want you to be happy more than when you were with him.

B : *LOL*. It’s not a competition. It’s LOVE. Why can’t you accept that fact?

A : I know. And it’s beautiful. But the reason why I want you to have that pact with someone is because I want to share with you about marriage life. Not that I didn’t satisfied sharing our story though I’m married and you’re not, it just it will be much more interesting if you’re also a married woman. Don’t you agree? It’s positive. I mean, getting married means that you can have someone messing your place and you can have the whole day cleaning it up. You always like cleaning. And you told me, that you don’t want to have a partner as organized as you because sometimes it scares you … Soooo do you have any candidate to make that kind of pact with?

B : Se, the problem is all my exes are already married with children. And the available exes or available guys that i’d been flung with ARE ALREADY ABOVE 40. What else you got for me, Sherlock? *smiled devilishly*

A : What did you tell Pattaya when you propose her?

B : Not at all romantic, Prita. You don’t want to know.

A : Come on, I want to know.

B : I proposed her in Thai language. At her house. In front of her parents.

A : What did you tell her?

B : I guarantee you that one day one of us would want to get out of this. But I will regret it if I didn’t ask you now. Will you spend the rest of your life with me?

A : Se! That is a line in a movie. It’s from Runaway Bride, for God sakes!!! The line is romantic. You are not.

B : Hey, at least I made an effort by translating it into Thai. Can you do that? I don’t think so. Besides, that’s my favourite proposal line.

A : Did she realize that the line was from a movie?

B : Not when I proposed. *wide grin*. But we both a movie buff (like you and I), so one day she rent the movie and we watched it together. Then she realized. *LOL*. I’m sorry, I just think that line is so good. I’ve planned it so long, that if I propose a woman I will say those words.

A : We watched that movie together too. It’s a funny movie.

B : You won’t say yes, will you Gorgeous?

A : You never ask. And you can not ask that now.

B : I won’t, you have a type that I tend to avoid.

A : Independent?

B : Single.

A : *LOL*

Se : Read your blog. I’m amazed how you can actually kept what you had with him for so long. So, going out with someone else is not really a moving-on kind of thing for you to forget him, isn’t it? People move on. Shit happens. I’ve never blamed you for the choices of life that you made. But I guess, it’ll be such a waste, if you decide to chose celibacy over spending your life with your significant others. I want you to have what I have. Like me and Pattaya now. Will you think it over?

Prit :Falling in love is a choice. Staying in love is a decision. I decide to stay in love with him. And if that means I will be a single for the rest of my life, so be it. At least I will die as a person whose in love. It’s not like I didn’t fight for it. I accept it. Still, I seek what the future holds. I know I can’t choose the condition of my death, but I do choose how I live. And getting rid of him from my life is not my option. Please don’t judge me for this decision …

Hari minggu, abis acara resepsi saudara sepupu gue, gue ke rumah Nca. Anter dia fitting baju akad nikahnya, terus ke rumah Ewi. Ewi akan berangkat ke Delft jam 7.45 pm. Dia mau kuliah master disana. Huuuuu … sedih pasti. Ewi adalah satu2nya temen gue yang saat setelah kita selesai kuliah nggak pernah jalan bareng sesering gue sama Nca. Dia langsung kerja keluar kota terus setelah kuliah. Terus sekarang, mau kuliah selama 2 tahun di Belande. Hiks. Tapi … yang menyenangkan walaupun kita nggak selalu bisa ketemu setiap saat, kita tetep temenan dan tetep aja becanda2 gila kayak kita tuh nggak pernah dipisahkan dalam waktu yang lama. :). I guess itu yang count dalam friendship.

Dari rumah Ewi, ke Oakwood. Ranch market buat lunch. Damn, salah pesen menu .. hihihihi. Tapi nggak papa sih. Jadi pelajaran boo. Ranch Market Oakwood tuh ok, tapi akan lebih OK lagi kalo service staffsnya nggak cuman polite sama expatnya aja. Kerasa banget aura kurang polite staffnya Ranch Market ke local people. Contohnya saat gue pesen makanan dan makanan yang gue pesen itu udah habis dia nggak inisiatif untuk menyebutkan menu2 apa aja yang masih available. Kenapa gue bisa ngomong dia nggak inisiatif? Because I asked 3 different items in the menu in a row and all of them are not available. Dengan tetep senyum dan coba ngegodain mbaknya yang cuman bisa bilang, “Habis” sebanyak 3 kali berturut - turut, akhirnya gue milih menu yang sama Nca. So different waktu gue terakhir ke situ sama temen gue yang orang asing. Tapi yah … well not try to judge, people have their preferences. Mungkin emang udah pilihannya untuk lebih ramah ke foreigners, since Ranch Market service staffs do not speak english that well. For example lagi, when he (my expat friend) asked her, “Is it fish or chicken?” she answered, “YES!”. What the hell is that?

Nggak puas cuman di Ranch Market, gue pindah ke PS. Akhirnya nongkrong si Starbucks. Agak terobati. Soalnya, Barista Starbucks PS emang terkenal polite and helpful. Padahal minumannya biasa aja menurut gue. Gue lebih seneng coffee yang kayak Bengawan Solo gitu. Maklum deh, namanya juga orang Indo … Kopi Brasil atau apalah … menurut gue nggakmenarik. Kopi Sumatra is more tempting buat gue. ;). Thanks Starbucks PS!

Ngobrol ama Nca malem itu Ok … Biasa deh, Nca tuh paling suka ngomong soal relationships. Mungkin karena ngomongnya ama gue boo. Jadi dia paling pinter, because I’m so clueless about relationships.

Sedikit ngomong abt dia, of course. Gue nggak pernah menolak atau menghindar. Siapa yang nggak mau talking about orang yang membuat elo naek ke langit ke 7 dan membuat elo merasa semuanya perfect?

Sampe pulang, semua SMS lintas benua yang dateng ke HP gue malem itu rasanya nggak berarti apa2. Gue langsung tidur. Mimpi indah. hmmmmm …

Hihihi …

A : Lg ngapain lo, ‘ nek? Nah, ya … ketahuan, lg maenin T&^%t, ya? Eh cong td gw udah apply lg dr Kompas.com. Moga2 ada rezeki gue ya cong? Gw daaah boring bgt neh. Kl gue dah kerja ‘kan tinggal cari lekong/pere b/ ngasah pedang. Kl lo gimana ses???

Me *LOL*.

B : Gue baik. Jangan lupa ya boo untuk cek email everyday. Who knows kan cong? Sabar aja, banyak doa… Gue masih jomblo aje kok. Hehehe …

A : Yah sabar aja deh nek. Moga lo cpt temu lekong yang baru. Yg lain lagi. Yg orgnya lebih ok. Yg T^&*tnya lebih muantab. Lo seeeh pere, lebih bs nahan napsu, gmn gwe neeeeh… Nahan gejolak, yg didalam celanan neeeeh meronta trs. While in my head kept thinking ’bout the job/money. Btw, ini cowok yg loe ceritain wkt itu ya bo? Piye toh? Sabar ya jeng ….

Me *ngakak guling2*

B : Iya. Yg waktu itu nge-date beberapa kali itu. Dia udah balik. Dan gue rasa boss besar gue nggak akan hire dia lagi deh… Jd ah lupakan saja deh abt what so-called relationship neeee’. Cape de. Tapi gue juga nggak ada feeling sih neee’.Kurang tinggi boo. Kalo gue pake sepatu atau sandal yang ada hak 5 cm, gue udah lebih tinggi dari dia. Nggak enak deh. Terus kata temen gue yang udah pada nikah Ang, cowok kalo kurang tinggi “itunya” juga kecil ya boo? Gue sih nggak tahu ya boo apakah itu akan jadi masalah, lagian gue kecil, kurus, pinggul kecil, jadi gue pikir kl besar pasti gue bisa nangis2 boo … gue suka bingung aja dimana sih cong masalahnya? Tapi masak iya sih boo tinggi badan mempengaruhi besarnya “itu”? Kl menurut elo, sebagai maniak “itu” gimane?? Gay punya preferences juga kan? Kalo elo?

A : Kikikik… Te’aya hbngannya deh neeek. Gw juga suka sama lekong yang taller than me. Tapi “itu” cailaa, apeee sehhh? Ti*&tnya ada juga yang not long sizee  booo. Gw seeeh lbh prefer medium size  but large in diameter. Just come 2 me n I’ll say “Oh MAMMA MIA LEZATTO!!!”. Kalo yang terlalu panjang, agak repot kali yeee tarik ulurnya, deeeeee layangan kaleeee….

Me *juling* . But I love him.

Men are controlled using 2 things. His brain and his penis. When blood circulates more in his brain, he’s using his brain. When blood circulates more in his penis, means that he’s using his penis. All we can do is analyzing, whether he used his brain more than his penis ;).

When sometimes a woman said to a man, “Did you use your head when you do that?”.

Hmmm I think he’s using the other one..

My gay friend? I’ll get back to you after I ask him …

Wiken kemaren sama Nanda. Dari jam 1 sampe malem jam 7. Kerasa pas bayar parkir. Tapi .. I want some more. Gue heran ya, kenapa sama Nanda bisa ngobrol acakadul, kadang2 lempeng, kadang2 nyasar, kadang2 malah nggak ada juntrungannya … tapi setelah dalam perjalanan dalam mobil gue bisa senyum2 sendiri kayak orang gila mengingat pembicaraan kita. Udah 8 taun sama Nanda, tapi … rasanya kayak udah lebih dari 8 taun.

Sama Nanda, gue merasa dihargai. Sama dia juga, gue merasa bahwa hidup yang dijalani nggak melulu harus menjadi tough seperti karang … kadang2 kita mesti lunak kayak konyaku jelly dan menikmati momen2 dimana kita bisa menertawakan diri kita sendiri.

Gue nggak pernah merasa puas banget ngetawain diri gue sendiri, kecuali sama dia. Tadinya gue pikir waktu gue ama dia, gue lagi nggak menjadi diri gue sendiri. Gue berusaha menyelami sisi orang lain dalam diri gue in order supaya bisa terus jalan ama dia. Ternyata, gue salah.

Waktu sama dia ternyata gue tetap menjadi diri gue sendiri. Yang cold, determined, strict, and realistic, …. tapi I am more complete.

I had rejections in my life.

But it doesn’t mean I would make them as something that will hold my move, every time I want to try my chances, grab my opportunities, trying to move forward.I just have to sharpened my technique, enhance my skills, focus on things that I want, if I want a yes.And if I still get another “no”, I have to deal with it. And I don’t have what-so-called fear of rejections. And I think that’s a part of life

That’s life.

I had you.

Long time ago. Lost my chances. Definitely not an opportunity. But I’m still here. And I’m still moving forward though I don’t have you. That’s a part of life.

That’s life.

I never know you. I wanted to. But I’m tired with your attitude. I’m not a fighting kind after all for this so-called love. But do you know what I’m good at? I’m good at making choices. I’m good at setting on my priorities. I’m good at eliminating my options. I’m moving forward … and not with you.

That’s life

I talked to “her” today. The one that sometimes whispering to me at night. She has been sleeping all along. I have maintained to keep her safe from harm. To keep her continuing her sleep. I fought the battle for her. I choose to stand in front of her. Be the shield that can protect her.

So no one can hurt her anymore.

And all that’s left was only the one that I saw in the mirror. So there I was. The one that will always believe determination and courage are essential to face another battle. That they will get you there to reach your goal. That life is hard. And it supposed to be hard. Otherwise, we’d never learn anything.

I can feel her hands tighten on my waist. To every path I took when I walked crossing that road. And she whispered, “Thanks for taking me with you. I don’t know what I will do without you”. And I can feel her warm tears as she laid her cheek against my back. And I feel strong. I was never alone.

I can feel her breath on my neck, just so I know that she’s still alive. And I’m more confident. And she whispered, “I’m so proud of you”. I feel strong. I’m not alone.

My determination gets thicken. My courage is as strong as that scary bull in Pamplona. My confidence is as high as the sky. Then, I can’t feel her hands on my waist or her breath on my neck anymore. And it’s been a long time that I realize that she didn’t talk much along our journey. Or whisper.

I turned my back. Face to face to her. “Is something wrong? Can I get you anything? Are you feeling un-well?”

She smiled, “I want to spend the rest of my life supporting the life of someone I love. Can you do that for us? Can we do that now?”

And I go numb. I realize the only thing that I can not give her is …love.

I don’t recognize my self anymore.

Lebaran. Maaf2an. Semua keponakan dan kakak2 gue dateng. Pergi ke rumah eyang di Raden Patah. Ke rumah mertua kakak gue di Pejompongan. Ke rumah Bude Palmerah. Akhirnya pulang.
Lebaran kali ini, menyenangkan. Ada yang gue palajarin. Tahun in Eyang Kerinci udah nggak ada. Kita nggak kesitu lagi. Gue nggak pernah nangis saat maaf2an lebaran ama sodara2 gue. Terharu oke. Tapi nggak nangis. Nggak pingin juga.

Tapi saat gue mau typing sms Lebaran ama temen2 gue, gue sampe sesengukan kehabisan nafas. Air mata mengalir deras kayak sungai Nil. Hidung langsung penuh sama … srooooooooooooottt .. slem. Jijay deh gue. Akhir2 ini, gue emang jauh ama temen2 gue. Pergi bisa diitung, chitchatting di coffee shop juga jarang, belanja bareng … apalagi. Laen banget ama taun2 sebelumnya … Tapi positifnya lebaran ini temen2 gue semua pengertian banget. Waktu gue tidur di malam takbiran, besok paginya sign message gue udah berkedip - kedip tanda udah kepenuhan SMS. Mereka semua sms gue buat ngucapin met lebaran. Yang moslem hampir semua kirim sms ke gue. Dari temen SMP, SMA, kampus, cowok2 di idup gue (yg meninggalkan gue atau gue telantarkan), orang2 salon, and don’t forget sampe orang yang ngurusin STNK mobil akika weice.. hairdresser salon gue, kirim sms smp 2 kali. Terharu deh nee’. Dan yang paling seneng, semua temen2 gue yang non-muslim juga pada ngucap met lebaran ama gue. Sempet juga sorenya gue udah bikin dosa aja lagi ama si Ang, my gorgeous gay friend yang bawel itcu … yaitu, cerita jorok lewat sms sampe perut gue sakit nahan ketawa. Hihihi (Paling enak cerita jorok ama temen gay nee’, biasanya mereka lebih sensitive dan witty. Dan kebetulan juga temen gay gue ini berperan sebagai feminine dengan pasangannya … hihihi, jadi peres2 gimana gitu neee’ *sambil betulin konde*).

Biar cuman di-SMS, gue seneng banget. Walaupun kemaren2 gue nggak ketemu sama mereka atau ngabisin banyak waktu ama mereka seperti buka puasa bareng, tapi gue masih jadi temen yang mereka anggep pantes buat di-selametin Lebaran. Tanggal 1 itu, mata gue sembab banget. Blush on keapus, eye shadow ilang, mascara? eh sorry ya eke pake yg water proof boo punyanya YSL noh … (punya mami, of course. For th record mascara yg terakhir gue beli tuh si maybelline itu tuh neee’, yg eyelash curler itu. Kok gue ngerasa kayak drag queen ya nee pake itu? BT lagi gue belinya pas belum diskon alias 63 rebu ajah. Padahal sekarang lagi 59. Huh).
Thanks ya neee’.

Thanks ya Tuhan. Tuhan baik banget deh ama Prita. *kiss*.

O iya, after Lebaran ini gue punya resolusi juga nih nee’.

1. Semoga orang tua gue, rukun2 aje. Nggak ada masalah yang membahayakan hubungan mereka, at least sampe gue keluar dari rumah dengan alasan duit gue udah kekumpul buat beli rumah.

2. Semoga kakak2 gue awet2 aja ama para kakak ipar gue yang pada cantik2 dan baik2 itu. Nggak ngejalanin hal2 yang dibenci Tuhan dan melakukan hal2 yang saling menyakiti.

3. Semoga 6 keponakan gue taun depan udah naik level Princessnya. Tambah manis, nurut ama eyang kakung eyang putri, nurut ama ortunya, dan NURUT AMA GUE DONG, OF COURSE!!

4. Semoga gue sama Atit tambah deket. Akhir2 ini gue jarang berbagi ama dia.

5. Semoga Nanda jadian.

6. Semoga Nadya taun depan hamilnya mulai di bulan April, jadi kalo anaknya lahir bisa dipredict akhir desember atau awal januari. Biar sama ama gue bintangnya, jadi Nadya nggak akan lupa ama gue biar dia udah kewong.Enak kan, budget ultah bisa sekalian di-estimasi.

7. Semoga Ade kewong taun depan. Bosen deh gue … masak udah sekian taun masih muda gitu masih pacarannnnn aja ama Mang Afni? Emang bukan idup gue sih, gue cuman pengen pesta2 aja lagih … ekekekekke.

8. Semoga kantor gue dapet tender Scholarship lagi.

9. Semoga taun depan ada company yang bisa tawarin gue kerjaan baru dengan salary … US$25,000 annual, punya lunch time selama 3 jam, dan … sama Richard. Hahaha. Amien.