Prita

“Sayang, kamu dimana?”

“Mprit … kok belum sms aku hari ini. Somse deh”

“Kata temen aku  … kamu mature. Huuu bialin”

“Mprit, hari ini kaki aku kecemplung di es yang belum keras .. hehehe”

“Stockholm ujan. Becek dimana - mana. Sebel”

“Aku lagi di taman tidur2an. Maaf tadi nggak denger sms kamu”

“Mprit, kata Nanda ukuran baju kamu harusnya XS. Tapi kalo disini kecil banget tuh. Kayaknya cuman boneka yg bisa pake”

“Mpritnya udah bombok ya?”

“Love u”

“Mprit … kamu kenapa jauh banget sih?”

“Kok tadi aku nggak ditium?”

“Mprit … nggak bisa ke lain hati .. :(”

“I live for your smile and die for your kiss. Luv ya. So much”

One day, dia naek sepeda dari rumahnya ke kantor pos pas salju lagi turun di Stockholm. Buat ambil paket dari gue. Dan gue goblok2in tu orang. Sumpeh … nggak ada tuh gue bilang, “ooooooohhhh kamu kok manis banget sih langsung ambil”. Gue cuman bilang, “Nduttttt begooooo … besok pagi aja kenapa ngambilnya???”

Blinked.

And tears running down my face. Slowly. Warm.

First time in this month, remembering you. And this one hurts.

I don’t want anyone else

I don’t even want him

I want you

It was always you

You that I adore

The air that I breathe

Though with your pessimistic view of the world and how gloomy you think it is to live in this too old earth, I will still love you.

I want to be with you

Though you kept your silence …, I will still be there.

I want to be with you

I’ve been dead for so long

I can’t feel a thing

I’m scared. I just want to disappear.

Me : Sean, do I sound arrogant when I talked in English lang?

Sean : No. You sound incredibly good talking in English. To be honest, for an Asian, your English is good. Why?

M : My best friend’s bf told her that me and her are arrogant for talking in English more than Bahasa. What do you think that’s odd when I talked in English?

S : Is that so important?

M : Yeah. So?

S : well, maybe your accent.

M : My accent sucks, isn’t it?

S : I have always thought you were not an Indonesian when I called you the first time at the office 7 years ago. Means, your accent is so good. Maybe … you shouldn’t talk much in English around your Indonesian friends. You sound so good, they hate you for that. But, the consequences are … well, you don’t use it you lose it. Means you might going to lose your english lang skills bit by bit if you didnt talk much in english.

M : Is there anyway I can still talk in English and at the same time giving an impression to people that I’m not arrogant but incredibly funny and friendly?

S : Funny and friendly for who? Ghosts? Oh come on princess, talk in english as much as you like, at least you just sound arrogant … not arrogant per se.

M : I’m not funny for you?

S : You know what your problem is? You should call Ja … he’s on his way to canberra and will stop by in Jakarta. For a week. Give him a call. He’ll landed at CGK on Sunday at 7 pm.

M : What the hell is he doing here? For a week? That’s not stopping by. WHy he he get an extra 1 week for 3 months TDY?

S : His phone number is … 0812 678 ……

So, what is your list?

I don’t have many. But I try. Here goes :

1. I’m a big believer of “meant to be”.

2. I believe everything happens for a reason.

3. I believe people should developing or they can’t survive.

4. I like to give something than asking.

5. I’m good at writing what I feel than talking about it.

6. I fell in love with English language since I was in kindergarten.

7. I’m not a cynic. I’m a realist.

8. I got abused when I was 5, in college, and with my first boy friend.

9. Never taste alcohol, never intend to get tattoos, never try smoking pot, never try any amphetamine or any kind of drugs.

10. I ran away from home at the first time when I was 13. Regard the abusive and domestic violence in my house.

11. I had my first kiss with my friend, a boy. I was 17. And it felt … watery. My lips were all just wet :P.

12. I got my second kiss with someone whom is my friend at my Facebook account now. ;). I was 17 and he was  21. O yeah, college guy is awesome!

13. I’m scared with people who can do taekwondo, kendo, karate, or any martial arts. Something that connected with abusive, but if i got a kid, I’ll make sure he or she can do one of them.

14. My first blind date (i know him from my friend) went awesome. My first blind date from an on-line chatting was a disaster. Knowing strangers on-line is just not my thing.

15. I didn’t know what IELTS stands for before working at my current office. :P.

16. I want to be a TEACHER! Because when I was a kid, teachers seem to know everything!!!!!

17. I have the willing to do the unimaginable.

18. I love long-distance relationships. ;). It’s exciting to count your watch backward or forward, thinking what he’s doing at that time.

19. I’m a cuddling person. Can do that all day.

20. When I was in elementary, I can stare for hours at the World Map, imagining what it would be like to go around the world. I love traveling.

21. I’m an introvert, but the reason is definitely not because I’m un-attractive.

22. I used jokes as my defence-mechanism.

23. I’m a beach lover!!!! I want to live at any country that has beaches view whenever I open my curtain!

24. I don’t like styrofoam glasses or plates. They are not eco-friendly.

25. I like those tingles in places it shouldn’t be, when I’m in love.

“Where did you learn your English?”

I did go through a course for General English. For 2 years. From Intermediate ’till Advance level. I remember my essay that got me through the last exam to finish Advance level was titled “Bridging the Generation Gap”. It was written based on personal experience and my analysis on how youngsters tend to have lack of respect with their elders whilst most of senior citizens judge that youngsters nowadays have no strong values for traditions. It was quite a nice essay I suppose. :). I mean compare with craps that I wrote in my blog. Hahaha. When I showed my supervisor at my first workplace she was a little bit … did not believe that I wrote that. She said … the brain did not match the package. But after that she is my perfectionist-friendly-bitch boss. She is my great mentor.

And I didnt say my English is good. I didn’t say that at all. But why I often write in English and always use English to talk whenever I get the chance to challenge my English ability is because … I fell in love with the language. Yeah, I love English language. I remembered I was 3 when I heard my first English language. It was “the hills are alive with the sound of music”. Yeah, It was “the sound of the music” movie. I know … weird isn’t it? Plus I went to catholic preschool and kindergarten … and my teachers and sisters there often challenged my English. There’s this one teacher named Ibu Tris whom always greeted me and chat with me in English. Then I become … addicted. Always try to find the meaning of every English word I heard from TV or someone or found it in the paper.

Of course it costs me something. Most of my Indonesian friends always said … “Prita, we’re not in LA. Stop it. Stop talking in English. And stop the goddamn accent!!!!!”

I am more to American accent than Brit. At first. But now … kinda changed. I mean I’ve been with my British boss for almost 3 years. He succeeded to influence me …  that along the time British accent is quite nice. And don’t forget Australian accent is annoyingly sexy. For some part.

I saw my self in the mirror, but the reflection in the mirror wasn’t me. I’m getting weak. And she grew stronger. I spit on her face. But she didn’t spit me back. I hate her.

She says, “I can feel that. I read minds”

She knows though I only say that in my head

She says, “Welcome back. I’ve been waiting”

I still hate her. I yell at her, “You’re not me!!!”

I sat in the corner when you’re in love, feeling a little bit bloated. I take a nap when you’re happy, you’re save. I hit jackpot machines when you were remembering him, you energizing me. I play cards with dreams when you’re doing pilates, we know pilates makes you feel good. But I can be your greatest nightmares. I lived in you … just like the other loser in you that kept nagging you to find this thing called love. She sells that. Believe me, Princess … after this night … you don’t want to see your self get angry anymore. How does it feel like to be in rage again? Good isn’t it?

I’m scared. I want to disappear. I’m begging … with tears in my eyes, sobbing “Please leave me. God, please leave me. Let me go …”

I can’t. I’m in you. And you lived in me. So, friends with me … or I’ll haunt you down to face me.

I wiped my tears.

I have always been with you. Listen to your mind, closed your eyes, and open your heart. And you will see me. I’m your reality

“You came only when I’m mad, fragile, and scared?”

I came in every stage of your life. But I don’t give or take anything. Like love, hate, yearning, emptiness, boredom, sadness, happiness … they come and go. I don’t judge. But I like to show-off. Unlike them I have always been there with you. You feel me more when you’re hurt. And when you don’t, you’re more with dreams. We work together. Dreams swept humans away. Reality … bites. Life always tries drowning you. Life sucked you in. That is what life’s good at. Death always lurking like a thief, when the number is up, you can not escape from it. Death is like love. Though, love lurks more. Love sells something, death doesn’t. You should balance all of us. You know the drill.

I’m the one that most people don’t want to see or feel when it’s bad and the one people do not appreciate and thankful for when it’s good. What humans don’t learn … reality and dreams are working together … When you’re mad, at least I know you’re still a human being. Or at least trying being human. Because … you have stopped dreaming since 9 years ago. And can’t face the reality that he’s gone. You’ve neglected both of us. No human can live without us. All you care is emptiness. And being numb. You can’t do the unimaginable. It’s fine to decide to stay in love with him, but finding someone to fall in love is a chance. Falling in love is a choice. You have also neglected both of them as well. You didn’t take your chances, so then you don’t have to choose. And that’s not fair. So … face me … friends with me. Deal with me … and with dreams. Don’t try to remember him again … try to remember your dreams with him. The way he says … ‘I live for your smile and die for your kiss’ I was there when he said that to you. I felt your quivering moments. That was real. That was reality too. That was me.

I’m in full power when you’re mad, when you’re fragile … like right now. But also when you’re happy, when you’re strong, even when you’re smiling. Reality is about all the feeling that you’ve been through.

I’m you. And you are me. Keep that in mind and you won’t hate me. You will always need me. In our next battle, I will be there for both of us to win. Along with dreams. Because without dreams … I’ll be damned. And … when love came to you, don’t resist. It’s soothing

“You said love sells something. What?”

Your other half. And people don’t have to pay for something that’s already half of them, right? Love will never be a millionaire. But you and him will have the whole world. Who could be more rich than that?

1 :

“DID YOU CLEAN UP IN HERE???” He yelled at me after I hid in his bathroom for approximately 25 minutes, when suddenly someone that we both acquainted with coming unannounced to his apartment. ;). And I said, “Well, of course!!!”

He was shocked but then laughing out loud and screams, “UNBELIEVEABLE!!”

“Come on. It’s not like I redecorate your bathroom! It’s not a crime”

“I have never had my bathroom so clean like this. And you were only here for 30 minutes!!!!”

“I know. Like those vows … in sickness and in health. This is the sickness part of me. You still love me, don’t you?”

2:

Do you know how those housekeeping people at hotels or cleaners in malls whom always folded the tissue rolls into a triangle that pointing down? I remembered I was 8 at Garuda Natour Hotel in Yogyakarta when I saw those pointing tissue rolls for the first time. And I made my first attempt. As my little brain thinking, “how thoughtful those cleaners to dothis to a completely stranger that always telling them what to do or asking things that most of us can do it by our self”. And since that first encounter, I folded the tissue rolls into a pointing down triangle, every time I’ve finished using a rest room at any public places I went to. And do you think I didn’t try to stop? I did. I did try to stop. But I failed. So I keep doing it until now. Once I was in my boy friend’s bathroom for pee then … he knocked the door and saying, “Honey, don’t fold the tissue roll, please. The movie is about to start, were’ going to be late”.

He just knew.

He called my folding-tissue-rolls-into-a-pointing-down-triangle attitude with Prita’s selfless good deeds.

3 :

I met Se at a dinner reception that my former office held. The dinner was quite important since lots of attaches with level 2 security list attending in that dinner reception. And also US DCM, well he is a level 1 security, I suppose. Government thingy. I was talking with the secretary of other attaché and I stood near this table with 3 flower bouquets on top of it. And I can see that the number 2 bouquet was not in the centre. As I was talking with her, I moved my hand … inch by inch to push the bouquets so then it will be exactly at the centre of that table. You do realize that women can do 2 or 3 things at once right? That was what I did. Talking and centering. ;). And I didn’t realize someone was watching what I was doing. :P. Until he came and said, “You should push more 3 inches to the left”. In flower arrangement there’s a term called center pieces. So in my defense, what’s the use to call them center pieces if they were not in the centre? Right?

Yap, cleaning makes me feel good. Aligning things makes me balanced. Placing things in its place makes me feel secure. Means I could always find them whenever I need them.

After all, it’s all about balance. It’s all about yin and yang. And what did I do to keep my balance? I do those things I just mentioned above.

I’m not a perfectionist. I just love when things are clean, align, in its place, in order and organize.

And it’s not a crime. I know it’s annoying for some people, but it’s not contagious. Perfectionism is a religion. And I’m just a follower.

“Se do you always accept friend requests in Facebook?”

He says, “NO, I don’t”.

Hmmm, me too.

And lately I got friends’ request from people I don’t know just because I accept one friend from my Junior High and High school

It’s nice to find someone that I actually know. Someone that I had flung with, I had fought with, or someone that accompanied me when I had to take buses to school. But not so much with someone that I don’t even know whether he or she went to the same school with me or remember to have a conversation with though we did went to the same school.

Schoolmates that I don’t know. These schoolmates might be my senior, my junior, or people in the same grade with me but different classes.

Or even in the same class but never get acquainted with.

And I didn’t know them during school period. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I mean, I don’t even friends with Se whom is my ex slash best friend in facebook, though I chat with him almost every night. *LOL*

So is it really matter to get an acknowledgment being a friend to somebody over a personal website like facebook or friendster? Really?

I don’t intend to add them as my friend. When I never talked to someone in person and not knowing anything about him or her, why bother?

I have the right to do that.

I have my own screening filter to choose my friend. And it’s not about being snob. Or paranoid. I prefer to call it as a more secure filtering process.

Didn’t want to know you then and don’t want to know you now.

And I don’t care when someone I rejected called me a snobbish bitch just because I reject him or her over and over …

Actually, I should say thanks. They’re making it easier for me to reject them. Over and over.

By accepting a “no”, you will never have regret when you give your “yeses” to someone or something.

A person that cannot deal with lost and rejection is a loser eternally.