Prita

Nobody actually wants to be a liar. But it’s just so easy to fudge, blur, omit, and recast information—on even everyday matters—for effect or self-protection.

Accept, and vow to change.

When you fall off wagon and the moment has passed, at least be honest with your self, as in “I didn’t do that right. When I’m in that situation again, I’m going to do better.” All of which may be easier to achieve if the accent is on SIMPLY DOING WHAT’S RIGHT instead of going by the book. When you’re rule-bound, you’re more likely to slip if you’re not likely to be caught. You’re honest when you do the right thing even when nobody is looking.

>>> I got this from Reader’s Digest article about how we should have real honesty in our daily life. And I love the words. I kind of lost my self lately and lying to my self a lot.

When I crossed the threshold of being a friend with someone … I should’ve realized that I can’t go back to square one and started the whole relationship as a friend again. After … all of that.

It’s too tiring. I do not want to be with someone who was having second thoughts about me while I was determined to know him more in order to go to a higher level of what we have. Now I feel stuck. And somehow not developing.

It’s going to be ugly, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

Please forgive me when I was not being my self.

I’m clueless, I don’t know what to do.

I’m tired with the attitude

I’m tired with the sweet talk

I’m tired with the promises

I’m sick with the fake smile

I have had it with the lies

I’m tired with the meaningless chat that was attempted just so then we could have something to talk about. And at the end I would go, “What the hell am I doing with this faker?”

I’m so sick of it

Aren’t you tired to deal with a guy who doesn’t even know what he wants?

I’m stucked between giving my self a second chance and got tricked again for the bezillion of time. I just don’t understand what kind of person he takes me for by thinking that what we have is just something in between.

I’m so dumb. To think that a guy who is so not my preferences would actually treated me nice.

I wish I had never met him.

Aah, I miss my ex boy friends.

They were great when they were mine. They asked me first if they can give a good night kiss. They held my hand when I was scared. They introduced me to the parents. They hold me in their arms whenever I need a support. We spent hours just looking up the sky and talking about how wonderful our house would be if we get married. They kissed my nose. And my forehead. I love those kisses more than the ones that landed on my lips.

Why can’t that kind of guy more massively produced? I don’t want a relationship with some random guy, I think I just want all my ex-boyfriends back. People were right when they said that sometimes we appreciate something or someone more when they’re gone.

I’m tired with guys nowadays.

Bragging bragging. Sex sex sex. No identity. One night stands mode. They chose partners than spouses. Exchange partners whenever they move from a country, a house, a club, a … wherever. Saying “I want to be with you Prita” and crossing his fingers behind his back. Saying “A” but doing “B”. Saying “I want to be with you forever” but never ask me how I have been.

Oh God bless them.

I’ve rather being single ’till I die than changing partners and hurting others like that.

I’m a lousy dater. Due to lack of reading men’s signal in dating and my networking with them, I admit … I’m an undateable material.

And here’s why :

1. I’m not good at mingling or socializing or chitchatting or small talk … in Indonesian would be : ‘BASA BASI”.

Enough said. If you were in a party and you saw a gal dressed nothing like Carrie Bradshaw, a bit awkward, no acquaintances around her, and looking nervous, that must be me. And the main reason why I’m not good at chitchatting is … I just really don’t know what to say. I have a friend whom can immediately connecting and hang out with a person he met at the train station or the grocery store also  whom can talk with a completely stranger for hours just because my friend found that this person wore something that is similar with him. That won’t happen with me.  That’s why losing my 10-year together best friends whom know me so well about this kind of thing will be a catastrophe for me. Because then, there will be no one else to talk to with me.

2. I’m introvert.

Like point 1, I’m not good at talking. Which was horrible. One of my friends whom got married says, “I love relationships. To have someone to share our life with and listening your loved one’s stories in a way you couldn’t even share it with your best friend or your family member. It is amazing”.

Paused.

Well for me … was like, “I’m good at listening but doing the reverse … … wow, I couldn’t do that”. Even my 3 best friends do not know half of what I’ve been through in my life.

3. Lack of mysteries isn’t good. Too many mysteries? the same …

When you’re on a date you don’t reveal your self in the whole all at once. You would like to give your date a Pandora box one by one … In my opinion that’s what makes your date worth dating for. A mystery a bit. Leave a cue or a missing puzzle after each date (you can do this if your first date is succeeded). Dating someone whom talking too much is such a turn-off.

And how about Prita? I don’t give Pandora Boxes. Most of my dates leave me after 1 or 2 months together in the past 3 years. Why? One of my exes once answered with, “You have too many mysteries. I can’t compete with that”.

And I was laughing out loud when he said that. I don’t mind. We’re just not meant to be with a funny comment on the side … and we’re friends until now.

Sharing infos about my self is not really something I’m good at. I don’t even know how to start. I often used jokes as defense mechanisms. So then he won’t ask, “So Prita … How about you? Who is Prita?”

“I’m Prita. Eat chicken and fish only but I love animals, I alligned things, I can’t stand water rings, an acrophobia, afraid with snakes and quick sands, and I folded the tissue rolls back into a triangle every time I came out from a Public Toilet”

See? I’m screwed. *LOL*

So … I guess my first boy friend was insane or both of us were. It was only with him I had the longest relationship with. For 10 months. Geez … I can’t even stand for a year.

4. I’ve been single for a long time.

Friends will say, “She’s been single long ever since I’ve known her for a reason”. And like a job resume you will be noticed as a senior in teaching when you’ve had spent maybe 10 or 15 years as a teacher. So … I think I’ve mastered in singleism.

Summary:

James, my friend said that I’m a freak and quirky. And he said maybe I should stopped being like that for a change. But for me being a freak is fun, so I don’t really know what the solution is. Though I don’t perceived my self as quirky.