Prita

“Hey, do you think I’m uptight when we’re together? Do you think being with me feels like … in a school with too many rules?”

I asked that to him. Not Sean. It’s the other ex dates. :). The much older guy that I once dated few years back. And he said, “Well depends. I feel like I can’t really loosen up when we’re talking about animal rights, or … global warming, or politics, and the fact that I’m an omnivore. I mean, you should work for Greenpeace or PETA. Ever thought to apply?”

“No no no … seriously. How about when I said that I don’t like when you talked in Indonesian? Do you think I’m uptight because of that? Do you think talking with me involving lots of rules?”

“OH THAT!!! I didn’t see that coming. Yeah, I hate that as well. I mean … what’s wrong if i want to talk in Bahasa? yeah … that. So who said that talking with you involving too many rules?”

“It’s just an opinion”

“No. It sounds like a rule”

Argh. Should change this. Should count to 10 … when I heard a foreigner talks 1 word of Bahasa. Or … leave the room. So then I won’t say anything.

Or

Maybe I could just listen to them. Might be charming. Or sexy.

Hmmm … the only foreigner I like when he talked in Bahasa is only my boss Richard.

Dear Re,

I watched the movie. And you were right. I’m Susannah.

But I’m a person with hopes and dreams. Hopes and dreams never grow old. They can’t die naturally. They die in vain. When I know that my hopes and dreams did not really get along with you, I altered them into something else. Some ends with what I had with Sean. And some grows into what I have now.

I’ve tried to cope with them several times. But there’s a time when I wanted it all just stop. Keeping an open wound is not really my options. It’s a dirty job, but somebody has to do it.

And I go on with my life.

I keep saying, “we’re just friends”. But I remember you said friends come and go. And we could never be that. We’re different. At first, I don’t want you to go. But then you fell in love with someone else and you left me. Again.

You said, I’m a strange-funny-mentally-unstable-and-a-bit-crazy woman. That I’m like a chameleon. Always changing. There’s always something about me that you’ve never had enough. That I have millions of faces. You were almost there in all of my ups and downs, but even after you had experienced it twice, you could never do anything right to handle it. I developed faster than those ice melts in the north pole.

What if I end up like Susannah?

I still sometimes dream about us. And whenever it happens, I cried again like that night. Like last night. Like now … writing this in tears …

I don’t know when my forever will end. But I know that I don’t want to be like Susannah. Nevertheless, I feel like which ever I’m going it somehow leads to how Susannah died. It seems easier to put that gun in my forehead and pull the trigger.

“I’ll wait for you. However long it takes. I’ll wait for you forever”

Even after all of those words, I’m losing you still.

I don’t wanna die in vain. I killed our hopes and dreams.

I have nowhere to send this letter and no reason to believe you wish to receive it. I write it only for myself. And so I will hide it away along with all the things left unsaid and undone between us.

P.S. : I quoted a lot from the movie’s line. Was it our life based on the movie or the other way around?